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Incident Report 3/8
eleventhimpala
INCIDENT REPORT SCP-413-2011-11

SCP Involved: SCP-413

Date: November 3, 2011.

Location: Denver, Colorado.

Subjects Involved: Jeffrey Winger, Ann Edison.

Description: Mr. Winger and Ms. Edison both attended a party at an apartment complex in downtown Denver and were the first to leave. Both subjects had parked their cars in the nearby SCP-413, in hopes of protecting them from potential thieves.

Ms. Edison had borrowed a video camera from one of the party hosts and was testing it out at the time of their encounter with the SCP. Below is a transcript of the events that transpired:

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AE: (An upside-down image of Edison's face appears)...this thing on? I can't...Oh, there's the light! (The camera shows the interior of SCP-413.)

JW: (Offscreen) What are you doing, Annie? (The image shifts, showing Winger standing nearby)

AE: Abed said that I could borrow his old camera. (The image shakes as Edison fiddles with the device) I just have to return it within a week, because they need a second one to film...

JW: (Laughs) What, another Kickpuncher "fan-film"?

AE: Inspector Spacetime, actually. They're really into that now.

JW: We've gotta thank Britta for...(Winger begins to walk forward but hits his head on a low-hanging pipe) Ow! Damn, where did that come from?

AE: Oh, my God! Are you okay? (The camera's view dips lower, showing the floor. It is worth noting that, on a nearby wall, the graffiti that originally read "COLDPLAY RULES" now reads "WATCH YOUR STEP, DOOFUS".)

JW: Barely felt it.

AE: Well, let me look at it. (The camera now begins to swing by its strap. Edison has apparently let go of it.) Ooh, ouch. Let me take you back to my place.

JW: Uh, what?

AE: So I can put iodine on it, and apply ice. Why'd you freak out? (Laughs) What did you think I meant?

JW: Nothing, nothing. (Silent for a moment) You really know your stuff. You'd make a good nurse.

AE: Thank you. Actually, the other day, a guy got stabbed outside my building...No, don't worry, he's okay...but I got to apply a tourniquet and everything!

JW: What are you still doing there, Annie? You have to get the hell out of that place.

AE: You don't have to treat me like a...

JW: I...I know, but...I can't help but worry about you. You're important to me. (The subjects move closer together. There's a slight grinding sound from off-screen and Edison screams)

AE: Look! (She lifts the camera and aims it at the graffiti from earlier, which now reads "KISS HER". The camera more-or-less remains in this position for the rest of the recording, with both subjects offscreen.) It changed! I saw it! The graffiti changed!

JW: Annie, what are you talking about? (The graffiti changes again, the letters shifting and morphing on the wall until it reads, "YUP I SURE DID") Oh, shit!

SCP-413: NOW THERES NO NEED FOR CUSSING POTTYMOUTH

JW: What the fu...What the heck is going on?!

AE: (Overlapping) So, I'm not hallucinating? Is this a dream? Jeff, what's happening?!

SCP-413: WHY HAVENT YOU TWO GOTTEN TOGETHER YET

AE: (Taking deep breaths) Okay, before we answer, you've gotta answer our questions first...We'll take turns...Oh, God, this is insane...

SCP-413: THAT SEEMS FAIR SHOOT

JW: What are you?!

SCP-413: I AM A PARKING GARAGE MY TURN WHY HAVENT YOU TWO GOTTEN TOGETHER YET

JW: Because...We're too different. (Edison audibly snorts) Our turn: Just explain all of this.

SCP-413: I TOLD YOU I AM A PARKING GARAGE IM JUST ALIVE THATS ALL HAHAHAHAHA

AE: Oh, is that all?

SCP-413: ANYWAY THATS A STUPID EXCUSE IVE WATCHED YOU GUYS THE PAST COUPLE WEEKS YOUR GREAT TOGETHER

AE: There's more to it. It's too complicated for you to understand.

SCP-413: OH BECAUSE IM BUILT OUT OF CONCRETE I MUST BE AS DUMB AS A ROCK IS THAT IT

JW: No! That's not what she meant! She just meant that...

SCP-413: I WAS JUST KIDDING BACK TO WHAT I WAS SAYING IVE BEEN WATCHING YOU BOTH YOU CARE ABOUT EACH OTHER

AE: Well, yeah. We're friends.

SCP-413: SURE FRIENDS ALMOST KISS ALL THE TIME

(Both of the subjects are silent)

SCP-413: I KNOW YOU HAVE ISSUES BUT YOU CLEARLY ARE ATTRACTED TO EACH OTHER APPRECIATE EACH OTHERS OPINIONS CARE ABOUT THE OTHERS WELL BEING AND FIND EACH OTHER AMUSING

JW: Okay, slow down. With your lack of punctuation, I'm having a hard time following...(A moment of silence. Then, more subdued:) Oh. Okay.

SCP-413: ALSO YOU MAKE EACH OTHER BETTER PEOPLE

AE: What makes you say that?

SCP-413: YOU HAVE A LOT OF CONVERSATIONS IN ME THE WALLS HAVE EARS

AE: (Sniffles)

SCP-413: NOW KISS

AE: You can't create a relationship with a minute-long conversation, Parking Garage. (A moment of silence, then both subjects laugh quietly.) Besides, we're still trying to wrap our heads around...you.

SCP-413: THATS NOT MY NAME

JW: What?

SCP-413: MY NAME IS NOT PARKING GARAGE

JW: Then, what is it?

===========================================

It was at this point that Foundation agents intervened. The tape was confiscated and both subjects were given Class-A amnesiacs and released. SCP-413's nefound willingness to communicate with civilians, along with its actions involving vandals (See Addendum 2 on the SCP's maine page) have caused the Foundation to upgrade the containment procedures to its current state.

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I've said it before and I'll say it again. I get a kick outta these.

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